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A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.?Oh darling!? she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times??No?, says the old fellow, ?it means that you can pick one out.?

An old sailor goes to a brothel,where he chooses his girl and begins.?How am I doing?? He asks.?Three knots,? she replies.?Three knots? What?s that mean??You?re not hard, you?re not in,and you?re not getting your money back.?

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, ?I?m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.? [...]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then herhusband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by hernext husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, ?At least they?refinally together.?A guy sitting in the front row says, ?Excuse [...]

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. ?Oh honey?, said the young nymph, ?Does that mean we?re going to do it three times?? ?No?, said the old man, ?It means you can take your pick.?

the aged patient doddered into the doctor?s office with a serious complaint.?Doc, you?ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.?Come on now Mr Peters,? the doctor said, ?your sex drives all in your head.?Thats what I mean, you?ve got to lower it a little.?

there was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen [...]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. ?In the last 15 races, I?ve won 8 of them! ?Another horse breaks in, ?Well in the last 27 races, I?ve won 19!! ?Oh that?s good, but in the last 36 races, I?ve won 28! ?, says another, [...]

there was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lioncame by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, ?Howfunny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass??After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbedthe lion and started pumping away. The [...]

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. ?What are they doing, Grandma?? asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, ?The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.? They?re [...]

I got home from work last night and said to my wife, ?You are a one?She said ?What do you mean, I am a one??I said, ?If Bo Derek?s a ten, you?re a one?.

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he [...]