Smart medieval astrologer:

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.

He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lotsof friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:”I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist! ”

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.”What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.The doctor replies, ”You’re not eating properly.”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, ”I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, ”Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ”

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. ”Only a shilling?” said the Justice, ”Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.”

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A: A good start!Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: His lips are moving.Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?A: Professional courtesy.Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.A command was given to a dog: ”SPEAK! ”The dog said in return: ”Not without my lawyer present! ”Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlersQ: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.Q: What?s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.

A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, ”if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, ”Absolutely.””Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!