Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it’s a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A ”Don’t remind me again” button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally ”object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.Bug warningWife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Dear Boss,I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was ”not” changing his mind.Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, ”I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there ”is” a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, ”I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there ”is” a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”Bill Gates went back and told his staff, ”I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don’t have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?”I know,” said the Branch Manager, ”Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.””No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, ”That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.””Well,” said the Software Engineer, ”Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.9. When was the last time you tuned in to ”Melrose Place” and got a ”Error 404” message? 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an ”Under Construction” sign. 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp’s rules. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits. Thou shalt not upload ”worm” programs. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system. Thou shalt not hack.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, ”Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie ”The Net”4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists ”public-key encryption” among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, ”Good Morning, Mr. President.”1. You hear him murmur, ”Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

July 18I just tried to connect to America online, which I’ve heard is the best online service I can get. I can’t connect, I don’t know what is wrong.July 19Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?July 20I bought the modem, I couldn’t figure out where it goes though, it wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.July 21I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.July 22The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He’s so smart.July 23What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I’m confused.July 24The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.July 25I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 26I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.July 27These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.July 28I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.July 29I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn’t sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.July 30I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn’t know spiders grew that large.July 31The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn’t sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.August 1Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn’t have to use profanity.August 2I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited, I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.August 3I just made my signature file. It’s only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.August 4I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an ”aol” is, however.August 5I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked, but I cant find that group.August 6Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.21 to flame the spell checkers.49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, ”Me Too.”6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.9 to quote the ”Me Too’s” and happily add, ”Me Three! ”3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.