A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said
politely."

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband
pretty upset."

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.”What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.”My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy ”and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.” The bartender thought about this for a while. ”But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.”Yeah, except today is the last night.”

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman looks down at him and says, ”What’s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You’ve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, ”You don’t know him like I do. He’s a cyclepath.”

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. ”Does your dog bite?””No.”A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite! ” the man says indignantly.”That’s not my dog.”

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, ”I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell! ”The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ”Man, I’m on the wrong bus! ”

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.”How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.”It was great,” said the sailor. ”But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in! ”

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender asks the seal, ”What’s your pleasure?”The seal replies, ”Anything but Canadian Club.”

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk ”do you live here?” ”Yep”. ”Would you like me to help you upstairs?” ”Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked ”Is this your floor?” ”Yep”.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk ”Do you live here?” ”Yep”. ”Would you like me to help you upstairs?” ”Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried ”Please officer, protect me from this man.He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft! ”

A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.”Whoa, Sam! ” said the bartender. ”Who gave those beauties to you?””Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. ”I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”