Seven kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex . This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.

50 reasons to be blonde (blonde's opinion):

1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We piss sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We avoid speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with them.

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Three reasons I don’t believe in toothpaste, and neither should you:

1. They made some tainted stuff in China
2. There are hundreds of different kinds, if they found one that worked don’t you think they would have stopped there?
3. They all say they are “recommended by dentists”, I’m yet to meet somebody who trusts dentists

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

"I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."