1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even [...]

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! 10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing [...]

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in ? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I?m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and [...]

|NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON?tBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU?rE A NERD 16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more [...]

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.” 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, ”I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and [...]

A Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty’s Kindergarten Class NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette – Banana Pie You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell – Turkey You cut the [...]

|It?s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.?Please let me in,? says the man desperately. ?I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don?t come home with one.?Okay,? says the butcher. ?Let me see what I [...]

|It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.?Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey! [...]

|1. Be thankful you haven?t been spammed!2. Be thankful your computer isn?t down!3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn?t down!4. Be thankful you don?t have The Good Times virus!5. Be thankful your server isn?t down!6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!8. [...]

|10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, ?What a scary mask! ? but [...]

|Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don?t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don?t [...]

|A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, ?You need to join the Army of the Lord! ? My friend [...]

|? Don?t let worry kill you. Let the Church help. ? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. ? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. ? For those of you who have children and don?t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ? Thursday at 5PM there [...]

|Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, ?It?s something like [...]

|Dear Santa,How are you doing? I hope you?ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It?s really neat how you?re able to do that year after year. I guess that?s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. [...]