Published on Tuesday, January 8, 2008 by TipoTurbo A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on afairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she saidpolitely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keepingmyself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.?What?s the matter?? the bartender asks.?My wife and I got into a fight,? explained the guy ?and now she isn?t talking to me for a whole 31 days.? The bartender thought about this for a while. ?But, isn?t it a good th...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won?t see him. The barman looks down at him and says, ?What?s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You?ve got six lanes and two hard ...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. ?Does your dog bite??No.?A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.?I thought you said your dog didn?t bite! ? the man says indignantly.?That?s not my dog.? (more...)...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, ?I?ve got news for you. You?re going straight to hell! ?The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ?Man, I?m on the wrong bus! ? (more...)...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn?t drive. (more...)...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith,...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender asks the seal, ?What?s your pleasure??The seal replies, ?Anything but Canadian Club.? (more...)...

Published on Monday, September 17, 2007 by kretinas A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk ?do you live here?? ?Yep?. ?Would you like me to help you upstairs?? ?Yep?. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked ?Is this your floor?? ?Yep?.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn?t want to face t...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas A regular at Bob?s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.?Whoa, Sam! ? said the bartender. ?Who gave those beauties to you??Nobody gave them to me,? said Sam. ?I had to fight like crazy for both of them.? (more...)...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn?t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town?s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of b...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avai...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn?t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebr...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively ?You?ve got great hair! ? The man looked around but couldn?t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say ?You?re a handsome man! ? The man looked around, but still couldn?t see where th...

Published on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by kretinas 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven?t had a driver?s lice...