Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he?d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ?No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,? he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came i...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and ca...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: ?What does the cow say??Child: ?Moo! ?Mother: ?Great! What does the cat say??Child: ?Meow.?Mother: ?Oh, you?re so smart! What does the frog say?? And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, ?Bud.? (more...)...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by TipoTurbo 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.?What?s going on?? she yells out the window.?Cow on the track! ? replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the wi...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas 1. It?s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It?s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn?t jump on your bed when he?s sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I?m eating, doesn?t mea...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas 9. E-mail flames from some guy named ?Fluffy.? 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you?ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of ?CyberDog.? 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a stran...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by TipoTurbo Q: Diner: I can?t eat this chicken. Call the manager.A: Waiter: It?s no use. He can?t eat it either.Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?A: The outside.Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A walkie-talkie, of course.Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?A: Chirpes. It?s one of those canarial diseases. I...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas While waiting for a bus, the blind man?s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man?s legs.A passerby commented to the blind man, ?What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy??To which the blind man replied, ?Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.? (more...)...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas Psychiatrist: What?s your problem?Patient: I think I?m a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg! (more...)...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.?I was in that new restaurant across the street,? said one. ?It?s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it?s so sanitary that the whole place shines.? ?Please,? said the other roach frowning. ?Not while I?m ea...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the ?Cat and Duck Method? of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who h...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ?No, I can...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by TipoTurbo A burglar has just made it into the house he?s intending ransacking, and he?s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, ?I can see you, and so can Jesus! ?Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.?I can see you, and so can Jesus! ?The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer loo...

Published on Friday, November 23, 2007 by kretinas A preacher is buying a parrot.?Are you sure it doesn?t scream, yell, or swear?? asked the preacher.?Oh absolutely. It?s a religious parrot,? the storekeeper assures him.?Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord?s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.?Wonderful! ? says the preacher, ?but what happ...