A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he?d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ?No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,? he said to himself. He proceeded to [...]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill [...]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: ?What does the cow say??Child: ?Moo! ?Mother: ?Great! What does the cat say??Child: ?Meow.?Mother: ?Oh, you?re so smart! What does the frog say?? And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, [...]

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for [...]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.?What?s going on?? she yells out the window.?Cow on the track! ? replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk [...]

1. It?s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It?s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn?t jump on your bed when he?s sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is [...]

9. E-mail flames from some guy named ?Fluffy.? 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you?ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of ?CyberDog.? 4. Your [...]

Q: Diner: I can?t eat this chicken. Call the manager.A: Waiter: It?s no use. He can?t eat it either.Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?A: The outside.Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A walkie-talkie, of course.Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get [...]

While waiting for a bus, the blind man?s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man?s legs.A passerby commented to the blind man, ?What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy??To which the blind man replied, ?Madam, I am [...]

Psychiatrist: What?s your problem?Patient: I think I?m a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.?I was in that new restaurant across the street,? said one. ?It?s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–it?s so sanitary that the whole place shines.? ?Please,? said [...]

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the ?Cat and Duck Method? of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a [...]

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of [...]

A burglar has just made it into the house he?s intending ransacking, and he?s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, ?I can see you, and so can Jesus! ?Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his [...]

A preacher is buying a parrot.?Are you sure it doesn?t scream, yell, or swear?? asked the preacher.?Oh absolutely. It?s a religious parrot,? the storekeeper assures him.?Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord?s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd [...]