Good News, Bad News, Worse News Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the pathof a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ”Give me yourmoney”, he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, ”Hey, watch it - I’m a UnitedStates Congressman! ” ”In that case,” replied the mugger, ”give me MY money.”

Guess what? You’re pregnant!

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout ”whiplash”, ”ambulance”, or ”free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room tableworking on the boy’s Social Studies homework, the chapterabout government. The boy turns to his father and asks,”Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?”The father replies without hesitating, ”Oh, about ten percent.”

the CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one couldget the position. As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the firstman, ”We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife”. A look of shock comes over the man’sface. He says, ”I can’t kill my wife. I just can’t do it. Iguess I’m not the man for this job”. ”No, you’re not”, agreethe agents, ”You’re free to go”. They bring the second man to the door and say, ”We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife”. The mantakes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face. ”I tried,” he says, ”but I just couldn’t do it. I can’tkill my wife”. The agents let him leave. They bring the woman to the door and say, ”We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband”. She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, ”Whew! You guys didn’ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair! ”