Redneck Lown Mover

God made a man and then rested. God made a woman and then no one rested

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: ”Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”To which the farmer replied: ”Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Two lawyers were walking along the sidealk when one said to the other
"Let's be honest with each other."
The other lawyer said
"You first."
That was the end of that conversation.

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.There were:- No Taxes- No Debt- Plenty buffalo- Plenty beaver- Medicine man free- Women did all the work- Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. ”I certainly don’t want to frighten you into a decision,”he announced, standing up to leave ... ”Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think.”

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said,

”Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first.”

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.Catching his breath, he puffed: ”Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”Don’t worry,” the general said. ”Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, ”Bring me my red shirt! ”The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, ”Bring me my red shirt! ” And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties,although this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, ”Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,exhorted, ”If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawncame the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ”Bring me my brown pants! ”

|What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?She gave him the cold shoulder!What do snowmen wear on their heads?Ice caps!What’s an ig?An eskimo’s home without a loo!What do snowmen eat for lunch?Icebergers!Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!How do snowmen travel around ?By iceicle ! What sort of ball doesn’t bounce ?A snowball ! How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?You wake up wet ! What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?Frost bite ! How do you call an Eskimo cow ?An Eskimoo !