Parent?s Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn?t appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you?re mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they?re sure you?re not raising them right.HEARSAY: what [...]

At a friend?s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, ?I was just trying to be a good ring bear.?

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive?s tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first [...]

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you?d better have around de yard if you?re going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper [...]

The Evolution of Mom Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes – 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular [...]

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, ?I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I?ve slept with dozens [...]

Are You Ready for Children?Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego?s. (If Lego?s [...]

It?s for my mother-in-law,? explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, ?My Doberman here killed her.?Gee…That?s terrible,? commiserated the spectator. ?But… Hmmmm… Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so??The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder [...]

Mom?s Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr ?no, no.? Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and [...]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, ?My dear guests . . . I have a proposition [...]

Laws of Household PhysicsEver notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 1. A child?s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 2. Leftovers always expand to [...]

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman?s horse mis-steps and jostles the man?s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, [...]

A Teenager is… A person who can?t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who [...]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, ?I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we?re going to be three in this house instead of two.?Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when [...]

The following is a true story.There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn?t stop sucking his thumb, he?d get fat.Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant [...]