A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, ”Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really indignant and says, ”Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.”What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ”is that?”He smiled condescendingly. ”That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.””Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, ”why isn’t it?”

three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI! 3rd guy: That’s nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog.

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. ”I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, ”but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, ”Tacks evasion.”

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, ”If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, ”If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too.Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, ”Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, ”If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.” The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, ”Madam, what is it you have?”The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, ”Chutzpah.”

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. ”It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker. ”What time does the bar open?” he asks.”Same time as before... Noon,” replies the clerk.Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. ”Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”The clerk then answers, ”It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, Ican have room service send something up to you.””No... I don’t wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!! ”

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.18. Aren’t you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.14. Bad cop. No donut.13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what?7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

You Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, ”Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” ”Yeah,” she replied, ”Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” ”Hmmm,” the old man said, ”We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning.” ”Well,” Granny snickered, ”What do you say...should we?” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. ”You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, ”My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago.” ”I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. ”One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in you oatmeal! ”

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.”Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. ”Where’d you go?””I worked late,” he said, ”and I stopped off for a couple of beers.””A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. ”You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?””What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?””Well,” she replied, ”my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. ”Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. ”It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.””I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. ”And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.””NO!!! ” exclaimed the nurse. ”I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward! ”