A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, ?Sir, I couldn?t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?? The man gets really indignant and says, ?Officer, I couldn?t help but notice your eyes are glazed. [...]

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.?What on earth,? she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ?is that??He smiled condescendingly. ?That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.?Well, then,? snapped [...]

three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and [...]

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain [...]

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, ?If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.? The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. [...]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. ?It opens at noon,? answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker. ?What time does the bar open?? he asks.?Same time as before… Noon,? replies the [...]

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can?t reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn?t realize my radar detector wasn?t plugged in.18. Aren?t you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with [...]

You Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, ?Just think, honey, we?ve been married for 50 years.? ?Yeah,? she replied, ?Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting [...]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn?t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he [...]

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. ?Doctor, you must help me,? she pleaded. ?It?s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a [...]

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don?t have cute tits.

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can?t come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: ?Please, officcccer, could you tell usif the moon is red or green?? The cop looks up and asks back: ?The left or [...]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, ?People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.? The others agreed.Then one said, ?Since [...]

An elderly couple in a senior?s home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys?s penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. ?What?s she got that I [...]

the Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the [...]