A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, ”Doc, I’m constipated.”The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, ”Lean over the table.”The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.He comes out a few minutes later and says, ”Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”The doctor says, ”Stop wiping with cement bags.”

A New Russian (NR) came to a duty free shop and addresses to the seller (S):
NR: Dou you speak English?
S: Yes.
NR: Marlboro.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, ”Do you know what I’m doing?” ”Yes,” she says, ”you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.” ”That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. ”Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. ”Yes,” says the woman, ”you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.” ”That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, ”Do you know what I’m doing now?” ”Yes,” she says. ”You’re getting herpes.”

A New Russian came back from Paris. His wife asks:
- How did you like your trip?
- Do you remember, in our friend's Vasya kitchen was a canvas "Gioconda"?
- Yes.
- He sold it. I have seen it in Louvre.

A man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman’s eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. ”Doctor, Doctor,” she called, ”I saw some movement! ” The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman’s eyes. ”Well this is good news,” said the Doctor. ”I think we should call her husband and let him know.” Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. ”I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex,” he said. The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife’s room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. ”Oops,” he said, ”I think I choked her.”

A New Russian bawls at his charwoman:
"Where is the dust from my table?!!! I wrote important phone numbers there!"

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a fieldassignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis ballseverywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered”When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.”The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballseverywhere. When asked why he said ”When I get out of here Igoing to be a professional baseball player.”The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in themiddle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanuton the end of his penis. The student asked, ”I understand aboutthe others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?””They’re never going to let me out of here,” the patientsaid ”I’m f**king nuts! ”

A New Russian comes into a jewellery store and asks for the heaviest golden cross in stock. Once the item is brought in, the New Russian examines it closely.
- Well, I guess I'd take it, - he says finally, - Only cut down the acrobat, please.

Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling muchbetter since his operation, but couldn’t account for theenormous bump on the back of his head.”Oh, that,” chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. ”Just before youroperation they suddenly ran out of ether! ”

A New Russian boards a trolleybus and comes up to the driver. - Three thousand bucks, cash on the nail, if you take me straight to Zelenograd now. - But I can't, - the driver protests, - there are no trolley wires up to Zelenograd, the trolleybus line ends right after the bridge! - What's the big deal, - the New Russian says, - you mount the bridge at 100 km/h, and you descend at 160 km/h, thanks to gravity acceleration, and you'll be able to make it to Zelenograd by inertia, without electricity. Worth $3000, anyway. The driver agrees. He announces, that the trolleybus is not going any further, drops all his passengers off, and drives the NR to Zelenograd, exactly as he was instructed. At the end of the road he's paid his $3000, and the New Russian is about to descend, when the driver suddenly looks around, and notices that Zelenograd landscape looks quite strange. Land is scorched, trees are rooted, houses lay in ruins... - Is there some kind of war going on in Zelenograd?! - the driver wonders. - Naah, - the New Russian replies, - it's just that I took a subway to get here yesterday...